I have a confession. Needy Streamer Overload has taken over my brain!! The game was good but so addictive. I saw so much of myself (and shitty traits in people I've known) in how Ame behaves. She even self-medicates like I do/used to, right down to taking Ambien - referred to as "Embian" in the game.
The pretty aesthetics really made me start romanticizing that stuff again. Not to a point where I want to take it actively, but to a point where I'm starting to embrace it again. But I suppose that's the same thing, huh?
I've been revisiting the YouTube drama rabbit hole again lately. Seeing all the different types of streamers and online grifts (combined with this NSO obsession) makes me want to tap into it. Knowing that others I've "encountered" are using the internet to their advantage too makes me want to outdo them.
But how do I do that?! I'm just a game developer for visual novel slop!! I don't want to put myself out there, all because I'm scared of being doxxed somehow. If I can find a way to do something that doesn't involve my face, that could work, but I'd have to be careful. That's why I have so many emails.
I need need need money NOW!!! I'm starting to think of it like points. I really want to be able to afford jaugust, but I also just want money in general. It makes me feel better about myself, like a silent own I can get on the people who I feel have wronged me somehow. There aren't many of those, but my spite against them is pretty major fuel. I wish it wasn't like that, and I kind of wonder if how I feel is normal. Do others have that sort of strong vindictiveness to them, or is it a product of my stress-tested psyche?? I won't apologize for wondering, I need to stand on my questions!!
I really hate lonely days, because it gives me nothing for my thoughts to bounce off of. Like, sure, there's a couple of people who I want to talk to and who I'd love to hold a conversation with, but there's something about my life that lacks the "fullness" it used to have.
It might be not being in college that's doing me in. I thrive best in environments where I can learn new skills, if only to give myself something to be proud of. I don't know how healthy it is to feel like a hollow shell unless someone is talking to you, or unless someone you know face to face engages you in something, but I can't say I expect it to rank highly. I don't like having this vacuum because it makes me think too hard about people I shouldn't think about, or even just passing thoughts that kind of feel uncomfortable whenever they don't hurt.
My drive feels like it's disappearing a bit, and I don't like that. I've been trying to keep myself motivated and on track but things sort of feel overwhelming on their own... It's not pleasant. I want the bright colors and healthy "zone" of a good high, or the heart-pounding dopamine I get from a good or fun conversation. I feel like I don't have a lot to look forward to, when in reality I just need to lock in. I kind of feel like I haven't been getting any joy except what I get from "destressing", which is a depressing thought.
In a way, it feels like I'm making my own little scrapbook. I wonder if I should start including photos in here?
This is the third entry.